


voicemail (you have reached a number that is no longer in service)

by sentientaltype



Category: Survivor (US TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Flashbacks, Season/Series 38, Survivor Edge of Extinction, an alternate universe where wardog is voted out at final 11 instead of kelley, and kelren/lelley cruise to the final three, i love these two so SO much therefore i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22927423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentientaltype/pseuds/sentientaltype
Summary: "Hey, you've reached Lauren O'Connell. Sorry I missed your call, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!"Or Lauren falls in love with Kelley while filming Edge of Extinction and gets her heart broken at the end.
Relationships: Lauren O'Connell/Kelley Wentworth
Comments: 11
Kudos: 27





	voicemail (you have reached a number that is no longer in service)

**Author's Note:**

> I love that my comeback to fic writing consists of Survivor rare pairs. I'm (not) sorry about that. :)) I am thinking about dabbling into some Bechloe and Clexa work, but no promises. Kelren and Parvmanda are much more fulfilling to me.
> 
> The title is inspired by Fifth Harmony's unreleased song, "Voicemail."
> 
> Without further ado, here's 14,000 words of pure sadness >:))

Lauren wakes in a cold sweat, heart pounding after tossing and turning through her dream. Her  _ nightmare. _

She’s been having the same one almost every night. She’s carrying her torch, walking along the beach, staring at the back of Kelley’s head. When it happened on the island, Lauren was thinking that even if she didn’t become the Sole Survivor, at least she’d have a bond for life.

When it happens in her head, though, Lauren walks behind Kelley forever, listening to the voice that once soothed her to sleep taunt and demean her, laced with venom.  _ Without me you’d be sitting where Rick is. Those moves were mine. She’s my goat. She followed me all the way to this tribal council. Like a lost little puppy that always does what she’s told.  _ The words roll over and over and over again, an endless loop that Lauren is powerless to stop.

(Lauren questions if she wants them to stop. Would she keep seeing Kelley in her dreams if they did?)

Another sleepless night. Getting up for classes and doing homework feel like impossible tasks with the amount of energy Lauren has. She still feels weak, even weeks after getting home, and that’s without soccer. There’s no one to help her, no one to confide in who could even begin to understand what thirty-nine days of isolation feels like. No one who she could share “the ways of production” with. No one but Kelley.

(There is, of course, everyone else she played with, but Lauren is too mortified to even think about facing them. They’ll all say that Wentworth played her, that it was always her intention to blindside Lauren for the million dollars, but Lauren can’t hear that now.)

Every night for three weeks, she has barely slept. She lies awake after the nightmare, rethinking every moment she spent out there, especially the moments with Kelley. Lauren questions everything: How much of it was real? How much of it was Kelley solidifying her alliance, only to break it at the end? How much of what she said at tribal does she believe? And Lauren’s most important question: will Kelley’s words, though cruel, win her a million dollars? Lauren can’t imagine waiting nine months until the reunion to get her answer. 

Nine months for her brain to spin a web of lies and misconceptions, doubts and confusion about their idol hunts, their time in the water, their sleeping arrangement in the shelter (Kelley on the end, to avoid any unnecessary spooning with strangers, and Lauren to her right, an anchoring arm slung over her torso and her back pressed into Kelley’s front). 

Nine months of thinking about Kelley’s piercing blue eyes, the calluses on her hands, the curve of her waist.

Nine months without seeing someone she came to rely on in only thirty-nine days. 

But Lauren doesn’t want to see her. Lauren dedicates her waking hours to despising Kelley, feeling embarrassment and shame over the words her so-called best friend spat out at Final Tribal, and letting that shame fuel a raging fire inside of her.

(A fire that Kelley told the jury Lauren would never be able to light.)

Lauren doesn’t want to see the woman who gained her trust and her respect — maybe even more than that — then promptly screwed her over just to win a game. 

(Seeing her might remind Lauren that she doesn’t really hate Kelley at all.)

***

Late at night, exactly one month since her return from Fiji, Lauren gets a phone call from a number she doesn’t recognize. Past two o’clock in the morning, Lauren lets it ring without a second thought before resuming to feign sleep, hoping to fake it ‘till she makes it. 

Something weird happens, though. 

The caller leaves a voicemail. 

(Lauren starts to get worried. She has heard from past players that some superfans try to stalk contestants during the break between filming and airing. She wonders if maybe it’s happening to her.)

Lauren picks up the phone from her bedside table and presses play.

But it’s not a stalker. It’s not a stranger at all. 

It’s Kelley. 

“ _ Lauren, I’ve b-been begging Wardog for you… for your number, _ ” Kelley starts and Lauren can tell immediately that she’s drunk. Her words are slurring together, the usual clipping attitude lost in exchange for roughness one would expect after a screaming match. It’s a far cry from the intelligent, witty woman Lauren has heard on TV and podcasts. 

(Far from the moans she heard in her ear for weeks.)

“ _ He didn’t wanna, um… give it to me. I get it. Why would you- who’d wanna talk to me? Wardog just yells at me every time I call. I think he’s really mad at me. Are you mad at me? _ ”

Lauren feels her heart sink in her chest. She wants, with everything in her, to call the number back and tell Kelley that all is forgiven. But all is  _ not  _ forgiven. It can’t be. Not when she still feels the words like venom in her veins, traveling through her system and corrupting her every thought and movement. 

The message continues after several long seconds of silence, as though Kelley was giving Lauren time to answer. 

“ _ I h-hate myself. I’ve been drunk half the time we’ve been back. I can’t sleep without you… Maybe it’s the quiet. I got used to your sleep-talking. And the waves. And the bugs. God, I d-did all that… thirty-nine days of constant shit, except you. We were so good. And I fucked it all up for a million bucks. Who fucking cares? What’s it even worth? I shouldn’t have called- I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m drunk and I never sleep ‘cause I’m just hating myself. Lauren, I- You have to know that I lo-” _

And the voicemail ends. She must’ve ran out of time. Lauren sets her phone back down and flops back on her bed.

(If her nights weren’t already sleepless, the cliffhanger Lauren has been left with would certainly be keeping her up at night.) 

***

Unfortunately, the voicemails become a staple of many of Lauren’s nights. Lauren adds the number to a new contact and makes the name “DO NOT ANSWER.” Dozens of calls go unanswered, but every voicemail gets listened to. Somewhere between the eleventh and fourteenth call, Lauren starts replaying the old ones again. She prefers the drunken slurring to the sound of Kelley’s biting tone on night thirty-nine.

The contents of the messages start out interesting but quickly become incoherent as Kelley delves further into her drunken ramblings about people they played with and moves they made. 

(There are several anecdotes that make Lauren blush.  _ Remember when Gavin won reward at the final five? And he took Rick and Chris? God, that was the best night out there. Making you come over and over- _ and the recording ends.)

Lauren doesn’t tell anyone about the voicemails. Who would she even be able to talk to? Wardog, maybe, but she’s pissed at Wardog for even giving Kelley her phone number in the first place. For all she knows, Wardog is the reason Lauren can’t sleep.

(She’s not pissed. Incredibly thankful, really, that Wardog gave her a chance to hear a different side of  _ the  _ Kelley Wentworth. But for now, Lauren is maintaining her anger at everyone involved.)

Almost three months after filming wraps, Lauren calls Aubry. She knows Kelley and Aubry are friendly, after a story Kelley told her about a  _ Survivor  _ party in Seattle after season 35, where they met. Lauren knows Aubry might have spoken to Kelley since they’ve returned, and this scares her to a point, but she’s also secretly hoping to get something,  _ anything _ , out of Aubry regarding Kelley’s state.

Aubry doesn’t give much away during their first phone call. Lauren can’t even tell if the two have spoken. After a few weeks, though, Lauren is still listening to new installments of  _ The Wasted Kelley Wentworth Show _ — a title coined by Wentworth herself — and she can’t take it anymore. 

“We need to talk,” Lauren says moments after Aubry picks up. It’s their fourth call in three weeks. They’re familiar with each other, now, but Lauren’s greeting is brash regardless.

“Hello to you too.” Aubry chuckles a little, but doesn’t seem upset over the bluntness of Lauren’s words. 

“Kelley keeps calling me,” she tells Aubry.

“Wentworth?”

“No, Wigglesworth,” Lauren drawls sarcastically. “Of course I mean Wentworth. She calls twice a week, three times sometimes. Leaves the craziest drunken voicemails.” Lauren chews on a cuticle as her foot taps incessantly on her kitchen floor. 

“Have you talked to her?” Aubry asks.

“No, I have yet to actually answer her calls,” Lauren replies. “Just the messages.”

“What’s she been saying?” Lauren considers this for a moment. How much detail does she want to go into? Some of the words out of Kelley’s lips are by no means appropriate for the general public. Who knows what Aubry would have to say about their little fling, or whatever it was?

“A lot of nonsense about past seasons and her own games,” Lauren says. “Only a little bit about what she did. A lot about me.” She soon tastes blood in her mouth from where her cuticle has become raw and bloody. “I thought she’d stop eventually, but it’s been two months now. I’m really worried about her.”

“I thought you hated her?” Aubry shoots back. 

“I never said that,” Lauren sighs. She knows it isn’t true and she doesn’t have the energy to lie about it, especially not to Aubry, who she needs information from. “I just… I don’t know what to think. I’m scared for her. Not a single one of those calls has been even remotely sober.” A long pause follows, as though Aubry is calculating her next move. 

“You said you’re scared for her,” Aubry says eventually, “and honestly, you probably should be.” Lauren’s blood runs cold. “I’ve spoken to her a few times. She’s completely plunged into a place of self-loathing. Can’t even look at herself. She said if she wins, she’s gonna give you the check. That’s if she even makes it to the reunion.”

Lauren has  _ so  _ many thoughts, so many points to address, but she starts with the most pressing. 

“What do you mean ‘if she makes it to the reunion?’” Lauren finds herself feeling sick at the thought of something bad happening to the three-time player.

“Lolly, she’s barely eating,” Aubry confesses and Lauren can hear the pain in her voice. “She hasn’t answered my calls for weeks. I think the only activities she’s partaking in are drinking, crying, breaking dishes and calling you.”

Lauren stays silent. What is there to say?

(Anything. Everything. But every time she tries, the words die in her throat.)

Then come the words that Lauren has been dreading.

“I think she needs to hear from you.”

***

_ “I can’t believe Gavin took Rick and Chris on reward instead of you or me,” Lauren says as she hangs her bag on the limb of a tree. “If not to bond with one of us, then at least to separate us.” _

_ It doesn’t take long for Kelley to lay face down in the back of the shelter, shaded by palm fronds and their tarp.  _

_ The heat has been sweltering all day, and it drove Lauren to the point of insanity during the challenge. Part of her is upset she wasn’t chosen for the overnight reward, but a much larger part of her is excited, knowing she’ll get to spend this time with Kelley. Lauren can only hope that the camera crew will find something else to occupy their time with. There are no idols left to find and minimal strategy to be discussed. Maybe they’ll get some peace for once.  _

_ Lauren takes a seat on the edge of the shelter, next to Kelley but not so close that the woman will grow aggravated by her presence. Lauren prepares to sit in silence for a while, leaning her head against the bamboo A-frame as she watches the blonde’s chest rise and fall with steady breaths.  _

_ “What do you wanna do today?” The words come out muffled due to Kelley’s face down orientation. She slowly rolls onto her side, head propped up by one arm, and Lauren is struck by the sharp jut of Kelley’s jaw, the way the shadows highlight the slope of her nose and the freckles that adorn its bridge. She’s so busy committing every feature of the older woman’s face to memory that she never answers the question. “Lauren?” _

_ “What? Sorry, what did you say?” _

_ “I asked what you wanted to do today,” Kelley grins while Lauren blushes, knowing she’s been caught. Kelley takes the time to sit up, scooting closer to Lauren and leaning her head against the younger woman’s shoulder.  _

_ “Um, I’m not sure,” Lauren says unsurely, fighting hard to keep her voice steady. Over the past week or so, the slightest touch of Kelley’s skin to hers is enough to send Lauren’s brain into overdrive. “You fought hard for that reward, I figured you’d want to rest for the immunity challenge.” _

_ “When’s the next time we’ll be alone together on a beach in Fiji?” Kelley lifts her head to look Lauren in the eye, and the proximity is enough to increase Lauren’s heart rate tenfold. “I say we take the raft out and do some ‘fishing,’” Kelley says with air quotes.  _

_ “Won’t the crew follow us out there?” Lauren hesitates. The last thing they need is to be seen as more than friends on camera. It’s a narrative neither woman is prepared to confront.  _

_ “If we actually fish for a while, they’re bound to get bored eventually,” Kelley shrugs, like she’s not even thinking about the chances that they could be seen in a compromising position. “Besides, just hanging out with you is good enough.”  _

_ Lauren has a lot to say, as she often does with Kelley, but chooses not to say anything, as she often does with Kelley. She simply nods and crawls out of the shelter, busying herself with the task of gathering the spear and other fishing gear while Kelley strips down to her underwear.  _

_ One would think that after thirty-six days and multiple seasons of television, Lauren would be used to the sight of Kelley’s body. And yet, when Kelley stretches her arms above her head, Lauren is mesmerized. Even with exposed ribs and various cuts and bites from the exposure, Lauren is convinced that she’s never seen anyone look more beautiful than Kelley in this moment, sun beating down without abandon and lighting up the golden wisps of hair falling out of her messy bun. _

_ “You coming or what?” Kelley says, snapping Lauren out of her trance. She rids herself of her own shirt and follows the blonde away from camp and down to the water. They push the raft out in silence, and Lauren waits until they get quite a ways from shore before speaking again. The production boat has followed them, of course, but Kelley shoots her a look as if to say “ignore them.” Kelley tells Lauren a story about her time in Cambodia, where Vytas asked her to give him a sand scrub on day one, how he insisted on touching the girls while teaching them yoga, and Lauren laughs because she knows the producers won’t keep any of this footage in. Kelley is tearing into Vytas, calling him smarmy and predatory and Lauren can’t do anything but laugh, and keep laughing while Kelley keeps going and the production boat slowly fades into the horizon, leaving Lauren and Kelley alone in the ocean, save for the camera crews back at camp. _

_ “So I’ve been thinking,” Kelley starts. _

_ “That’s never good.” This earns Lauren a shove and a beautiful smile, one that Lauren is sad to say she hasn’t seen much of in the past few days. She thinks maybe the stress and paranoia is getting to her. Kelley smiled a lot less once she got deeper into the game in Cambodia, too. _

_ (Lauren pretends she hasn’t noticed.) _

_ “Shut up.” Kelley swings her legs over the edge of the raft, letting them dangle freely in the clear water. “Anyway, I was thinking about moving.” _

_ “Oh, the boat?” Lauren asks. “Sure, we can head down to the reef to look for some clams-” _

_ “No, Laur, like, actually moving.” _

_ “Oh,” Lauren says, unsure how to react. “And leave Seattle? Why? I thought you loved Seattle?” It doesn’t make sense to Lauren. Kelley likes routines. She sleeps in the same position every night, washes her clothes at dawn so they have all morning to dry, and once told Lauren that at home, she has a cup of coffee and a slice of avocado toast every morning around 8:15. She likes routines, so why would she want to change her whole life up? _

_ “I do, it’s just…” Kelley trails off. She crosses her arms over her chest, which Lauren knows to be a sign that she’s closing up, so she slides over to sit next to Kelley and lets her legs hang over too. “I’m like a shark. I have to keep moving, or I’ll die. I’ve got to have some sort of adventure in my life or it feels meaningless. And I can safely say that if we make the final three, I am  _ never  _ playing this God-forsaken game again.” _

_ Lauren chuckles at that. It’s no secret to any seasoned  _ Survivor  _ fan that Kelley Wentworth doesn’t like  _ Survivor _. She only came back for Season 38 because she thought it might be her last chance to win.  _

_ “So I feel like I need a new adventure, you know?” Kelley finally turns to look Lauren in the eye. Every time she looks into those eyes, a perfect reflection of the ocean below them, Lauren feels like her whole world is crumbling, in the most beautiful and poetic way. As though she’d throw her whole life away for Kelley to look at her one more time.  _

_ (She would.) _

_ “Yeah, that makes sense.” Lauren nods, coming to her senses quickly in order to avoid a second embarrassing moment in mere minutes. “Where would you go?” _

_ “I don’t know yet,” she replies. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you.” Kelley nudges Lauren’s leg with her foot, and Lauren is shocked, because Kelley looks shy. Nervous, even. But not nervous the way she is at Tribal Council, fearing being voted out. Nervous the way Lauren knows she looks when she talks to Kelley about real life outside of the game. _

_ “Okay.” _

_ “You’re gonna go to dentistry school, right? After you graduate?” Kelley asks, and Lauren doesn’t understand why. _

_ “Um, yeah? But-” _

_ “What kinds of places are you looking at?” Kelley asks, voice high and unsteady. _

_ “I was thinking about UCLA,” Lauren replies absently. “They’ve got a really good dentistry program, and that way I’d be close to home again.” Lauren is telling Kelley what her family and friends already know, but she still doesn’t get why Kelley is even asking. What does where she goes to school have to do with Kelley moving? _

_ “L.A,” Kelley mumbles. “I could get on board with that. I’d have no trouble finding jobs in marketing, all of L.A. is just PR.” Lauren is stunned to the point of silence, but it doesn’t matter, because in a rare moment of weakness, Kelley begins to ramble. “Obviously you have to graduate first, which will take a year, but I figured I could get a head start there anyway. Settle into a job, a new apartment, and then once you finish school you could come to L.A. for the reunion and just stay there. Or you could stay in Texas over the summer and then-” _

_ “Kelley, stop,” Lauren finally finds the courage to put a hand out and silence the older woman. “What- What are you saying? That you wanna live with me?” _

_ “I… Not  _ with  _ you, per se, but nearby,” Kelley stutters. It’s the least composed Lauren has ever seen her. Always so calm and calculated. Here, under Lauren’s gaze, Kelley is flustered. “Waco is far as fuck from Seattle, you know? And you’re not like the other people I’ve met through  _ Survivor _. I can’t just go home and forget about you.” _

_ “Neither can I, but-” _

_ “No, let me talk,” Kelley cuts her off, and Lauren welcomes the interjection. She’s used to begging Kelley for emotional confessions like these. “I know it’s only been a month, but a month out here is six months in the real world. You spend all your time with someone, see them at their best and their worst. We’ve spent almost every second of this game together. We starved together, cried together, laughed together, did… other things together…” Kelley’s head hangs low now, avoiding Lauren’s eyes, but she can see the blush settling in Kelley’s cheeks. “I don’t wanna leave this beach and be so far away from you. Not when I have you this close.” _

_ “I don’t want to be away from you either,” Lauren finds herself saying, before she can even think about what it means. Kelley finally looks up and Lauren begins to study her face again, but there’s no use because Kelley’s face is falling out of focus as it gets closer to her own, and all of a sudden Kelley’s lips are on hers. It isn’t rushed or desperate the way it’s been in the past, always on borrowed time away from their tribe and the cameras. In fact, it’s the complete opposite, slow and meaningful, and it deepens as Kelley snakes a hand up to Lauren’s neck. Lauren has no idea how much time passes before Kelley finally pulls away, lips swollen and pulled into her signature cocky smirk, but Lauren can tell it means more. _

_ “So we agree.” _

_ “Yes,” Lauren says breathlessly. “We agree.” _

***

After the fourth call with Aubry, Lauren tries a new tactic: pretending Kelley doesn’t exist. She still gets calls, but she ignores the voicemails and takes sleep aids to get her through the night without being tempted to listen to them. She’s getting better, getting deeper into her senior year at Baylor, busy with school and getting healthy again after getting parasites in Fiji. Lauren now knows the reason for her weakness and nausea throughout the game. 

Aubry continues to reach out, calling and texting to ask if she’s spoken to Kelley, and Lauren ignores her except to let her know that no, she has not spoken to Kelley, nor does she want to.  _ If Wentworth wants to drink herself to death because of what she did to me, then that’s on her. _

(It feels wrong to call her Wentworth, and so beyond wrong to give up on her.)

Lauren checks Kelley’s social media a few times, only to find them untouched since before leaving for Fiji. Lauren, however, throws herself into the  _ Survivor  _ fanbase. She teases whatever she can about the season which, admittedly, isn’t much, but it feels good to interact with people she knows will support her come airing time. 

(Selfishly, Lauren hopes that her interactions with fans will keep them on her side once the finale airs, just in case the reunion goes bad. At least  _ someone  _ will be on her side.)

Fall turns to winter, and Lauren realizes that she needs to apply to dentistry programs. Every time she sees the task on her to-do list, her mind is plagued by Kelley’s plans to move to L.A. Will she still do it? Lauren wishes she knew, so that she could save herself the trouble of applying to UCLA if Kelley is going to be there. 

Lauren tells Aubry one day that she’s thinking about skipping the reunion. Lauren is talking to her more regularly now, less hesitant to respond once Aubry promised to stop talking about “her.”

(Lauren asked that Aubry refrain from saying her name.)

She thinks that maybe she’s finally convinced Aubry to abandon her attempts to reunite the two women, that maybe she’s finally got Aubry fooled.

(She isn’t fooling anyone. Not even herself.)

Every time she brings up flaking on the reunion, Aubry reminds her that she’s still in the final three regardless of what happened at that final tribal, and she still has a shot at winning just as much as Kelley and Gavin do. 

Lauren knows she has to go. She loves  _ Survivor _ , even through all the pain and suffering it has caused her, and she would never miss the chance to collect her check for a million dollars, no matter how slim the odds are. Aubry tells her not to let Kelley ruin that for her, not to let her ruin the game and the experience she had.

(Lauren just agrees. She doesn’t know how to tell Aubry that it’s not that easy, because her entire experience was meeting Kelley, strategizing with Kelley, hugging and kissing and  _ loving  _ Kelley; and all of it was ruined the moment Kelley Wentworth called her a lost puppy who just does what she’s told three days after making plans to move to L.A. with her.)

(Lauren starts to think that agreeing to that plan was yet another example of Lauren doing what she’s told.)

On a cold November evening, Lauren is curled up on the couch with her third glass of red wine watching old reruns of  _ Chopped  _ when she gets a call. She’s expecting a friend from school or soccer, or maybe Aubry. Lauren is surprised to see “DO NOT ANSWER” flash on the screen, because it’s much earlier than Kelley normally calls. The voicemails have dwindled to once a week or less, but there was one the night before, and Kelley doesn’t usually call two days in a row.

It’s the closest Lauren has ever come to picking up. Maybe she’s a little drunk, maybe she’s lonely, maybe the ringing is getting annoying.

(Maybe, just maybe, she feels crushing guilt at the thought of ignoring Kelley yet again.)

The ringing finally stops, and Lauren waits for the voicemail that she already knows she’s going to listen to, despite having ignored the last ten.

When it finally comes through, Lauren hits play immediately.

A few seconds of silence.

“ _ Shit, it’s on, _ ” and then a sniffle. It’s definitely Kelley, but she sounds different. Sober. “ _ I don’t know why I keep calling you. I know you’re not going to answer. I think part of me is hoping you’re listening to the voicemails, that maybe you don’t hate me for what I did. I know you do, though.”  _ Lauren’s heart breaks after every word, because she sounds like herself again, the Kelley Wentworth that Lauren admired for so long.

(The Kelley Wentworth that Lauren fell in love with.)

“ _ If you have been listening, though, I’m sorry for those last few. That’s not how I wanted to tell you that stuff… like at all. But, um… I think I’m done calling now. I’m not coming to the reunion. I don’t want to win. Not like that. If I win, take the money. You deserve it immensely more than I do.” _

Kelley falls silent, and Lauren lifts the phone away from her ear to see if the message is over, but there’s more.

“ _ So, um… Goodbye, I guess? And Lauren, I would… I would do anything to take it all back. It’s just money. I burned you for a million bucks and I never should have because you- you’re worth so much more than a million bucks. I’m so sorry Laur. _ ”

The line goes dead, and she knows it’ll be the last one. 

Lauren doesn’t rest that night, but there are no nightmares. She stays up listening to the voicemails, every single one, in order. The earlier ones are funnier now that she’s heard them so many times, but Lauren flinches when she begins the first unopened message. 

Kelley is drunk in all of them, to varying degrees, but usually wasted and almost always slurring her words. Lots of stories, lots of lengthy pauses, and quite a bit of crying fill Lauren’s night, until she gets down to the last few voicemails.

They’re like little confessionals; she’s telling Lauren what she thought when she first met the younger woman, what she thought the first time they kissed, and the most harrowing of all: the moment Kelley realized she was in love with Lauren.

On the raft, as she told the story about Vytas, and Lauren just laughed and laughed until her stomach ached and the producers grew tired of it.  _ Watching you laugh like that, knowing that I made you smile that hard… it hit me like a ton of bricks. A ton of “I Love You” bricks. _

Lauren cries for hours, playing the love confession over and over again until there are no tears left, no energy left, and she slumps against the wall and falls into uncomfortable sleep. 

The next morning, Lauren calls Aubry first thing and tells her everything. 

About their friendship-turned-romance, the plans for L.A, the last set of voicemails and the final, sober call. 

The weight of those secrets was unbearable for Lauren, as though she was benching far too much weight and got stuck under the bar, except she was wedged under the metal for months on end. Telling Aubry the whole truth feels like someone took five pounds off each side, leaving her with an ever-so-slightly lighter load, but the pressure is still present.

“What do you want to do?” Aubry asks while Lauren sobs on the other end, crouched on the floor in the bathroom of a lecture hall. 

“I d-don’t know,” she blubbers. “I w-want to g-go back in time and n-never meet her.”

“No you don’t,” Aubry corrects gently. “You want to go back and make Final Tribal never happen. You want her to take it all back and love you and lay down on her sword to help you win, and I get it.”

“I didn’t want her to h-help me win,” Lauren protests, taking the time to collect herself. “I wanted her to win. She deserved to win. But not like that.”

“I know,” Aubry sighs. “I’m with you. But I don’t know how to help you, Lolly.”

Lauren knew Aubry wouldn’t have any substantial advice, considering she’s clearly still hoping Lauren will call Kelley, but she feels better knowing that her and Kelley aren’t the only ones who know about it.

Then it dawns on her. Who might Kelley have told? Wardog, maybe, since they’ve definitely spoken? Lauren can’t think who else Kelley would confide in, seeing as she didn’t get along well with lots of people from their season. Lauren settles on never knowing, and she’s okay with that.

(She is so  _ not  _ okay with that.)

***

Early in December, when temperatures have just begun to drop in Waco, Aubry sends Lauren a series of texts inviting her to a  _ Survivor  _ New Year’s Eve party in Los Angeles. Lauren knows she’ll be on winter break, so it would be feasible, but the question is not if Lauren can go, it’s if she  _ wants  _ to go. Aubry tells her a dozen times that Kelley won’t be there so she should come, but Lauren doesn’t know how to face a multitude of her castmates as well as various players from past seasons. She doesn’t have the energy nor the love for the game to feel compelled, but she does want to see Aubry, and maybe a few other people from season 38 if she can face them.

She goes out drinking with a few friends that same night, knocking back whiskey until she’s so wasted that the blonde tending bar starts to look like Kelley and she can’t take it anymore. Leaving a crumpled twenty dollar bill on the counter and slipping outside with a quick goodbye, Lauren manages to hold her tears back until she reaches the cool evening air before sliding down the brick wall into a heap on the sidewalk. 

She gives herself five minutes. Five minutes to get any last tears out, five minutes to mourn the loss she feels crippling her heart and mind.

Five minutes pass, and Lauren picks herself up and calls an Uber.

Lauren opens her texts with Aubry as she rides in the back, typing a message and sending it before she can second-guess herself. 

_ I’ll see you in L.A. _

***

New Year’s Eve rolls around quickly. Lauren booked her flight and hotel soon after confirming her attendance at the party, and before she knew it, Southwest was sending her reminders about her 1 o’clock flight into LAX. The tickets weren’t cheap given the time of year, but Lauren hasn’t done anything nice for herself in the six months since filming wrapped, so she figures she owes it to herself to at least  _ try  _ to have a good time. 

It’s drizzling a little, the cool air and water making Lauren shiver. She pulls at the hem of her silver dress, glancing at the sign hanging above the building and at the line of people outside. Aubry texted her the address an hour ago, but Lauren is convinced she’s in the wrong place: she’s standing in front of a swanky L.A. club that’s swarming with gorgeous Californians. 

“Excuse me.” Lauren approaches the bouncer by the front of the double doors. “My name is Lauren O’Connell, I’m here for a party?”

“That reality show?” he says with a chuckle, flipping a few pages of his clipboard before checking her name off the list. “Go on in, room’s in the back.” Lauren shoots him a smile before slipping past him and into the bustling club. The purple hue of the lights combined with the bass-boosted EDM music is enough to give Lauren an immediate headache, but she perseveres through the clusters of people all the way to the back of the dark club. She comes to a stop in front of a floor-to-ceiling curtain that seems to be separating the public from another room. Lauren pulls the curtains apart and peeks inside, her eyes watering over dozens of former castaways, most of whom she recognizes but has never met. 

Aubry is on her the moment Lauren’s whole body enters the large room, wrapping her in a bone-crushing hug and squealing in her ear.

“Lauren, I’m so glad you made it!” Aubry says loudly over the music. “Come on, I’ll help you make the rounds.” Aubry tugs Lauren towards a table in the front left corner of the private section of the club, where Joe and his wife Sierra, Wendy, and Kass are chatting in a small circle. Aubry introduces her to Sierra and Kass, the latter of whom immediately embraces Lauren in a hug.

“Is she here? Have you guys seen her yet?” Kass asks, and Aubry makes a face.

“Seen who?” Lauren replies. Aubry shushes Kass and hits her in the arm. Lauren’s eyes flit from Kass to Aubry and back again, and even though they both look incredibly guilty, she doesn’t put it together until she sees Joe walk off towards the other side of the room to greet someone. 

Lauren’s stomach lurches when her eyes meet platinum blond hair.

“Aubry, what the fuck?” Lauren hisses. “You told me she wouldn’t be here!”

“I lied,” Aubry says, her tone wavering in fear. She’s seen Lauren angry at Tribal Council enough to be afraid of the repercussions that her actions may have. Lauren opens her mouth to begin chewing Aubry out but it’s futile. “I told you both that the other wasn’t coming. Lolly, you’ve both been killing yourselves over this. You need to talk to her.”

“I- No, I can’t,” Lauren shakes her head, turning to look back in Joe’s direction.

It’s definitely Kelley.

She’s wearing a dusty pink dress that clings to her skin and leaves little to the imagination, holes cut out on the sides to expose the tan skin underneath. Lauren can’t see Kelley’s face because Joe is still standing in front of her, but she can imagine that bright, white smile and piercing blue eyes that were so intoxicating for so long. 

Joe finally steps aside and all of a sudden Kelley is in full view, long legs and gorgeous hair and Lauren is thinking  _ God, this woman is gorgeous  _ and  _ her eyes are amazing, it’s like she’s staring into my soul _ and before she can even comprehend what’s happening, Kelley is turning around and slipping out of the room the same way she came in. 

“Lauren,” Aubry nudges her, snapping her back to reality. “Lauren, she saw you. She’s going to leave.” Lauren had no intention of speaking to her moments ago when Kass revealed that she’d be here, but now she’s thinking about Kelley calling her in tears, Kelley telling her she loves her, that she’s sorry, that she doesn’t want to win and that she wants to take it all back.

Her brain shuts off and she ditches the two women, leaving the back room and weaving through bodies, trying her best to spot Kelley’s hair in the crowd somewhere.  _ If I were running away from me, where would I go?  _ Lauren checks the bathroom first. She opens the door and takes a deep breath, ducking to look for feet in the stalls.

“Kelley?” she calls out, voice trembling. Now Lauren is starting to question whether or not she can do this; if she’s strong enough. 

No answer. A toilet flushes, though, and the only occupied stall is vacated by a tall, beautiful woman who is  _ not  _ Kelley.

(On any other occasion, Lauren would be intrigued, but right now all she can think is  _ that’s not Kelley, I have to find Kelley, where’s Kelley _ over and over again.)

Lauren shoves the door open and makes a beeline for the exit, only to realize it’s pouring with rain. Luckily, the California air isn’t too cold, so Lauren ventures out into the rain before realizing she has no clue where to go. Kelley could be in an Uber halfway to her hotel by now, so she does the one thing she can think of.

(The one thing she’s wanted to do since a month after filming; since her phone first rang in the middle of the night.)

Lauren scrolls through her contacts and pauses to wipe the water off her screen before she lifts the phone to her ear. 

It goes straight to voicemail.

“Kelley, I- I don’t know where you went,” Lauren says. The words feel like they’re choking her as they come out, getting stuck in her throat and blocking any air from filling her lungs. “Please tell me where you are, I… I need to see you. Please.” Lauren hangs up quickly, looking around while she tries to figure out her next move. She’s a second away from going back in and asking Aubry if she knows where Kelley is staying when she spots a blur of pink and white across the street.

Kelley is drenched, arms huddled together as she stands on the curb not quite opposite the club. 

Lauren thinks about yelling out to her. She thinks about running away. She thinks about Kelley’s time in Cambodia when it rained for days and she looked miserable in her confessionals. She thinks about what Kelley said at that final tribal, the last words Lauren heard her say in person.  _ Without me you’d be sitting where Rick is. Those moves were mine. She’s my goat. She followed me all the way to this tribal council. Like a lost little puppy that always does what she’s told.  _ Lauren is frozen in front of the club, water dripping down her arms and saturating her hair. 

But then Kelley is moving, and Lauren watches a silver car pull up and stop a few yards away from the blonde who she has convinced herself she despises. 

“Kelley!” Lauren practically screams and Kelley stops, just short of opening the car door. Lauren crosses the street as quickly as she can in five-inch heels, but by the time she gets there she’s watching Kelley slide into the backseat. “Kelley, stop.” She grabs the blonde’s arm, keeping half her body out of the car, and when Kelley turns her head, Lauren suddenly understands everything Aubry was telling her.

Kelley’s eyes are bloodshot, prominent dark circles surrounding them, the kind that not even the best makeup can hide. She looks restless and ghostly, as though the life has been sucked out of her. Kelley mumbles something to the driver before stepping out of the car, pulling her arm out of Lauren’s grasp. The car pulls away from the curb and speeds off, leaving Kelley and Lauren alone in the rain.

They stand on the sidewalk, a foot of space between them, in a silent stalemate. The showers of rain haven’t let up, battering their skin and making them shiver. 

(Floating between them is everything they’ve missed. All the “I love you’s,” all the plans, the sly looks and stolen kisses. Lauren can’t stop thinking about how different their lives could have been.  _ Would  _ have been.)

Lauren can’t take the silence. She can’t take the way Kelley is looking at her, gazing mysteriously into her eyes. 

“Are you okay?”

It’s a stupid question. Lauren knows that Kelley isn’t okay, she can see it in her eyes, heard it from Aubry, heard it in the voicemails. It’s such a stupid question that Kelley ignores it altogether. 

“Did you listen to them?” Kelley asks, and Lauren just nods. She doesn’t want to tell the woman in front of her just how many times; how she would lie awake at night listening to Kelley say “I love you” over and over again. 

(She doesn’t want to tell Kelley that they were replacements for the vicious words she was used to hearing every night.)

“I meant everything I said in those. Even when I was wasted. It was all true.” Suddenly, Lauren is overcome with the need to retaliate.

“And did you mean everything you said at Final Tribal?” Lauren spits, internally cringing at the hostility in her tone. She watches Kelley’s gaze lower to the ground, unable to maintain eye contact.

“Laur, I didn’t-”

“No, you know what?” Lauren takes a deep breath, wiping the water from her face. “You don’t get to call me that. You broke my heart and you knew what you were doing. The way you looked at me while the jury voted? Like I was just another piece in your game? I think about that look every day. I can’t stop thinking about what you said. And now they’re gonna play up our pairing in the edit, did you think about that? What are people gonna think of me?That I’m a lapdog, just doing whatever Big Bad Wentworth tells me to do. So tell me, Kelley, did you mean to break my heart like that?”

Kelley stays silent. Lauren’s chest is heaving with the effort of her little monologue, adrenaline thrumming through her veins. 

“You don’t have anything to say?” Lauren scoffs but she feels the tears coming. Maybe the rain will make it harder to notice.

“I’m sorry,” Kelley’s voice breaks on the word. She’s crying now too, they both are. “I- I was terrified. Of what people would think. Of how I felt about you.”

“You were scared of what people would think?” Lauren’s voice raises in volume. “How the _fuck_ does destroying me at Tribal make you look better?”  
“It doesn’t,” Kelley says calmly, between heaving breaths. “It makes it look like I wasn’t in love with you. Like I wasn’t preying on you for the entire game.”

Lauren feels like she’s watching a five year old do a jigsaw puzzle: all the pieces laid out in front of her, but none of them seem to fit together. 

“You weren’t preying-”

“But people would’ve thought it,” Kelley cuts her off. “You know that.” Lauren can see how much she’s hurting, how much her own actions have made her suffer inside.

“Kelley…” Any anger Lauren felt is gone now, replaced by sadness and pain and a whole lot of longing. “You were going to win. The jury knew those moves were yours. The only things you accomplished by throwing me under the bus were destroying me emotionally and putting a huge target on our backs for the edit. Who knows what kinds of stories they’ll fabricate? What they got footage of us doing?”  
“Nothing,” Kelley insists. “They wouldn’t do that.” But Lauren knows better, and so does Kelley. The _Survivor_ veteran is hanging onto hope that production won’t screw them over; that CBS won’t reveal their “showmance” for views. 

Silence settles around them again. The rain has slowed to a faint drizzle, making it clear to Lauren that Kelley is absolutely wrecked. Her face is red and puffy, and Lauren feels sick at the thought that Kelley has looked like this for many nights since the end of filming. 

“I can never take it back,” Kelley says. “But Lauren, I would  _ die  _ to take it all back. To never say any of it. I was so fucking scared when I came home because I knew I had lost you forever, and I…” 

Lauren is hanging onto Kelley’s every word, like she did in Fiji, entranced by her voice and her face as it moved to form each syllable. 

“I just wanted to die.”

Lauren’s whole body feels like it’s going to collapse.

After everything Kelley has been through, playing  _ Survivor  _ three times, starving and suffering in the wilderness, losing Lauren is what’s driven her over the edge. She can’t help but feel responsible. Maybe if she’d been more solid during their time on  _ Survivor _ , less of an emotional and physical wreck, she would have been able to support Kelley the way she obviously needed. Lauren feels rotten inside, the way she felt after every blindside, knowing she was crushing someone’s dream of being the Sole Survivor. 

“Stop it.” Kelley reaches out for Lauren’s hand and the Baylor student hates herself for feeling a spike of electricity shoot up her arm. “Don’t blame yourself. I know that’s what you’re doing.”

(Lauren hates that even after breaking her heart, Kelley still knows her better than anyone.)

(She loves it. Loves  _ her. _ )

“But if I had just-”

“No,” Kelley says sternly, reaching for Lauren’s other hand until she’s holding them both, their fingers interlaced between them. “It’s my fault. I was a coward, I still am. I completely crushed you and then ran away from reality. I should’ve been in Waco the day we got back.”

Lauren is at a loss for words. She isn’t angry anymore. There’s no reason to pretend to hate the woman in front of her. But she has to know.

“Do you still love me?” Lauren is dreading the answer, but Kelley just laughs.

“You seriously have to ask?” Kelley is looking at Lauren with an intoxicating combination of pain, admiration, and what she thinks is love. It feels a lot like that day on the raft, but more intense, cruelly so. 

“You’re acting like it’s obvious,” Lauren slowly pulls her hands out of Kelley’s grip. “Everything I thought I knew about you went out the window that night.” 

Kelley nods. “I know.”

“I think I’m gonna go back to my hotel,” Lauren says absently. She glances at the line outside the club, people still bustling to get in despite the rain. 

“You’re not gonna go back inside?”

“Not looking like this,” Lauren chuckles. “I just want to get out of these wet clothes and go to bed.”

“It’s New Year’s Eve,” Kelley replies. “You deserve to have a good night.”

“I don’t think going back to that party will make for a good night.” Lauren can tell Kelley wants to say something, it’s a look she often sported while Wardog proposed one of his many ballsy moves. “What?”

“Feel free to say no, but do you… Would you want to hang out?” Kelley asks and Lauren is baffled at how shy she looks. Eyes downcast, shoulders slumped, cheeks red with embarrassment. “I just… I don’t really want to go back in either. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. We can just get drunk and watch the L.A. ball drop and be done with it.”

Lauren pretends to think about it, as if she’s unsure. 

(As if she’d ever say no. She feels a little spineless for it, but quickly resigns to doing whatever the fuck she wants, and this is it.  _ This  _ is what she wants.)

“Okay.” Lauren smiles at her for the first time since they left camp for Final Tribal Council, and Kelley shoots her one back that is just as intoxicating as it’s always felt. She thinks that if Kelley keeps looking at her like she hung the stars in the sky, she won’t even need alcohol to feel drunk. 

“Where are you staying?” Kelley asks and Lauren tells her, which earns her a boisterous laugh. 

“What’s so funny?” Lauren asks, one brow raised.

“Of course we’d book the same hotel.”

It makes Lauren think of all the ways this trip could have been different. They could have come to this party together, booked the same hotel on purpose, maybe even the same room. Kelley wouldn’t have run away, Lauren wouldn’t have had to chase her, and they wouldn’t be standing in the rain yelling at each other and crying. 

Lauren doesn’t tell Kelley this, though, because she knows the blonde is suffering enough, and talking about what could have been will only make them both feel worse.

“Will you call an Uber?” Lauren asks. “I’m gonna try to call Aubry.” Kelley nods and Lauren steps away from her, dialing Aubry’s number and listening to it ring.

“Hello?” Aubry yells over loud music. “Lauren, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she replies. “We’re both fine. I found her.”

“You guys talked? Are you coming back inside?” Aubry asks. “There’s tons of people here who would love to meet you-”

“No, um… We’re just gonna go back to the hotel. We booked the same one. What are the odds?” Lauren chuckles to herself before she realizes how slim the odds are, and then she remembers asking Aubry for hotel recommendations. “Totally your fault, wasn’t it?”

“I figured if she managed to avoid you at the party, you could catch her in the hallway the next morning,” Aubry says, sounding less than apologetic. “Hey, I gotta go. Call me tomorrow and fill me in, okay?”

“Will do,” Lauren says. “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year, Lolly!” And the line goes dead. 

Lauren tucks her phone back into her purse as she approaches Kelley again. She can feel the blonde’s gaze on her and it’s making her nervous, so she absently begins picking at her cuticles while they wait on the curb. 

“That’s a terrible habit, you know,” Kelley points out, snapping Lauren back to reality. 

“Yeah, so you’ve told me,” she chuckles. “It’s a nervous habit. Not so easy to break.” 

While in Fiji, Lauren was tearing her fingers to shreds because of the nerves, and Kelley would do everything she could to get her to stop. Sometimes, Lauren laid awake at night, spinning every possible scenario while picking at her skin, until she felt Kelley stir and take both of Lauren’s hands in her own.

“Are you nervous now?” Kelley asks. “Because of me?”

Lauren pauses for a moment, because she isn’t quite sure how to answer. She’s not nervous about being around Kelley, but the water they’re wading in is uncharted, the threat of sharks and monsters lying below.

“I’m nervous that it’ll be different,” Lauren says. 

“Because of what I did?”

“That, and because we’re not in the game anymore,” she replies. It’s the truth. Lauren is just as scared about where Kelley’s words have left them as she is about the reality of having nowhere to hide. While they were still playing, there was always the excuse of someone coming back to camp, a cameraman, a producer looking for a confessional. Lauren could count on one hand the amount of times she’s been truly alone with Kelley, and the thought of being drunk in a hotel room alone with Kelley Wentworth is dizzying.

There’s no time to think about it, though, because a car slows to a stop in front of them and all of a sudden Kelley is taking her hand, opening the door for her and helping Lauren inside before she slides in behind her. Kelley chats with the driver, and Lauren is surprised at the blonde’s willingness to banter with a complete stranger after the night they’ve had. Lauren stays quiet, processing everything that has happened, trying to figure out how she feels about all of this. Kelley never lets go of her hand, though, as if she knows that Lauren will go to town on her cuticles if she does. 

It’s a quick ten minute drive to the hotel, and the elevator ride up to Lauren’s room is filled by Kelley asking numerous questions about Lauren’s senior year. The conversation flows as easily as it did in the game, and suddenly Lauren is wondering why she was ever worried at all. 

It’s only when they approach the room that Lauren realizes what a state she left it in. She couldn’t find her dress, leading her to frantically dig through her suitcase and throw everything about the room while she searched for it, only to realize she’d hung it up in the closet as soon as she came in. 

“Oh my God, I just remembered what a mess I made when I left,” Lauren says as she slides the key into the door but leaves it shut. As soon as she had calmed down, nervousness bubbles in her stomach again. “I couldn’t find my dress so there’s shit everywhere. This is so embarrassing. Just wait out here for like two minutes and I’ll pick everything up-”

Lauren doesn’t get a chance to finish before Kelley is pushing past her and shouldering the door open. 

“Oh, come on.” Kelley laughs. “This is not that bad. You should’ve seen my room before Final Tribal in Cambodia, I completely wrecked it looking for my curling iron. Completely forgot I let Abi borrow it when hers crapped out.”

The anecdote lessens Lauren’s nerves, which dissipate completely when Kelley kicks off her heels and flops face down on the queen bed, grunting out her desire for room service and rosé. Lauren sits gingerly at the foot of the bed, flipping through the room service menu before passing it to Kelley. 

“What are you getting?” Kelley asks, rolling over and sitting up.

“Pizza,” Lauren replies. “And whatever drinks you want.” Lauren notices that Kelley’s dress is still damp, a darker shade of pink than it was before it got wet. She knows the blonde must be cold. 

(She notices Kelley’s state long before she realizes that her own dress is still wet.)

“Uh… do you want to change out of that dress?” Lauren mumbles shyly. “I’m gonna put pyjamas on, I can give you some to wear.”

Kelley looks surprised at Lauren’s offering, but she nods, and Lauren collects a few items from around the room and hands them to Kelley.

“Sorry if the pants are too long,” she says. “People always complain that they have to cuff pants when they borrow them from me, so I-”

“They’re perfect,” Kelley replies, slipping off the bed and into the bathroom.

Lauren waits for the door to click shut before letting out a deep breath.  _ Kelley is in my room. But I’m supposed to hate her. Two hours ago, I didn’t even know she was in L.A, and now she’s in my hotel room.  _ Lauren quickly changes out of her dress and into a sweatshirt and a pair of shorts, draping the dress over the desk chair to dry. 

“I’ll have everyone thinking I played college soccer with this look.” 

Lauren turns on a dime to see Kelley standing by the wall in dark green Baylor sweatpants and a Baylor Soccer t-shirt from Lauren’s sophomore year, and all she can think about is how good it feels to see Kelley wearing her clothes. 

“Looks good on you,” Lauren mumbles, forcing herself to utter some words before sitting back down on the bed. 

Kelley calls for room service, and a half-hour later they’re sharing nachos and pizza and fries and washing it all down with glass after glass of wine. Kelley is heckling the New Year’s Eve show performers, incessantly demanding answers as to who let Lucy Hale host the Los Angeles portion of the broadcast. Kelley is also a lightweight, which Lauren realizes when the blonde is sizeably impaired after two glasses while Lauren feels completely fine. 

(This explains the voicemails and why Kelley was frequently wasted. It obviously didn’t take much for her to get there.)

As the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight, Kelley starts to go quiet. Lauren has been sitting up against the headboard watching her yell at the TV from the edge of the bed, but the older woman’s comments start to run dry as the hosts urge everyone to prepare for the countdown.

“You okay?” Lauren asks, making Kelley roll over to look her in the eye. The blonde’s expression is unreadable, but Lauren isn’t at all surprised.

“Yeah, I just… I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

Lauren scoots towards Kelley, sitting behind her head where her blonde hair is sprawled messily across the bed.

(Lauren has to grip the sheets to keep from running her fingers through it.)

“You can tell me.” 

“I know,” Kelley says as she turns to lie on her back, staring up at the ceiling. “It’s just… I spent a lot of time during the game imagining what life would be like when I got back. And then I got back and… I couldn’t do anything I wanted to do.”

“Why not?” Lauren asks, and she can’t resist, reaching out to twirl a piece of Kelley’s hair around her finger.

“It was all supposed to have you in it,” Kelley sighs. 

Lauren is vaguely aware of Lucy Hale letting everyone know that there is one minute left in 2018, but her heart is pounding and she’s praying that Kelley doesn’t clam up immediately after being vulnerable, the way she had so many times during the game. 

“This night… I thought about it a lot,” Kelley continues. “I knew someone would throw a party. You’d be up strategizing and I’d be thinking about showing up holding your hand, letting everyone know what we were. More than just best friends.” 

Lauren can feel the tightness in her chest. It’s the same pressure she felt when she heard Kelley say “I love you” on that voicemail. The same pressure she felt on the raft, after she fainted during the challenge at final 12 and Kelley looked worried beyond belief, when Kelley would secure an arm around her torso and not give her an inch. 

Ten seconds. 

“God, I wanted to kiss you when the ball dropped.” 

Nine, eight, seven. 

Kelley turns to look at Lauren before sitting up onto her knees in front of the younger woman.

“You still can.” Six, five, four. 

Kelley tucks a piece of Lauren’s hair behind her ear, fingers lingering against her cheek as the TV counts down.

Three, two, one. 

“Happy New Year, Kel,” Lauren says and then she’s kicking herself for talking because Kelley’s lips are on hers and it takes her a few seconds to catch up. But she does catch up and the kiss is long and slow, like they’re both drawing it out for as long as possible.

(Lauren is. She’s scared it’ll never happen again.)

But the once-slow kiss quickly shifts on its head, Lauren pushing Kelley onto her back and settling over her hips. Lauren’s hands are wandering up and down Kelley’s sides as she kisses her deeply, but Kelley doesn’t move her hand from its spot on Lauren’s neck, the other still by her side. Lauren kisses the woman below her with more fervor, but Kelley’s position is unchanged. 

Lauren suddenly pulls away and swings one leg over so that she can sit next to Kelley.

“Do you not want to…” Lauren trails off, cheeks flushed in embarrassment, refusing to meet Kelley’s gaze. She’s never been quite so off-base about something like this.

“No, I do,” Kelley replies immediately. “I just… I don’t want to rush anything. I’m afraid if we do this then you’ll wake up tomorrow regretting it and that’s not what I want.”

Lauren is puzzled. “Then what do you want?”

“I want to win you back.”

***

January is peaceful.

Lauren focuses on school, getting a head start on her work for the last semester of her undergraduate career. After New Year’s in L.A, she and Kelley agreed not to talk until February, to give each other some space to process everything they’ve been through in the past five months. 

Kelley told Lauren she wanted her to decide if she was ready to fully forgive Kelley, if she was ready for what Kelley has been ready for. 

When she left Los Angeles, Lauren had no clue what she wanted. 

The second she got back to Texas, though, it was clear. 

January is peaceful, except in Lauren’s mind, because she cannot stop thinking about Kelley.

Sure, Lauren couldn’t stop thinking about Kelley before, but the thoughts she was spinning were just making her cry. Now she’s thinking about taking Kelley out on dates, showing up to  _ Survivor  _ events together (but not  _ together  _ until after the reunion because their relationship would count as a spoiler), visiting Seattle and having Kelley visit Waco. 

(Lauren also can’t stop thinking about dentistry school, about how she should get her UCLA decision in a month or so, about how Kelley will be the first person she calls with news.)

On February 1st, first thing in the morning while Lauren is getting ready for class, she gets a text.

**_Kelley Wentworth:_ ** _ It’s February.  _

**_Lauren:_ ** _ It is.  _

**_Kelley Wentworth:_ ** _ Can I call you? _

Lauren doesn’t respond, dialing the blonde’s number instead. 

“Hey stranger,” Kelley says after picking up on the second ring. 

“Hey yourself,” Lauren replies, and she wants to blurt it all out right now, that she’s all in, that she forgives her, all of it. She has to literally bite her tongue. 

“So what are you thinking?” Kelley asks, tone betraying her impatience. 

“You really couldn’t wait five seconds before asking?” Lauren chuckles, continuing to sift through her closet for something to wear. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Kelley says immediately. “I should’ve at least asked how you’ve been. A month is a long time.”

“I’m just messing with you, Kel. We can talk about it now.” Silence falls between them, each waiting for the other to make the first move, but Kelley cracks first.

“Did you think about what I said?” Kelley asks. “About wanting to try this?”

“Yeah,” Lauren replies. She knows she’s being cruel, but it’s fun to give Kelley a hard time. The older woman is so easy to rile up.

“And?” Kelley prompts. “You’re killing me.”

“And… I definitely won’t have a chance to get away before graduation, but I was thinking you could come visit me here? I don’t know what your work schedule is like, or if you’d even want to do that-”

“Of course I want to do that,” Kelley cuts her off. “But what does that mean in terms of us? Do you just want to see me?”

“I think we have a lot to discuss that could be better said in person,” Lauren replies. “I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just… I don’t want poor communication to mess this up. We’re at different points in our lives, in different cities. We’re gonna need time to figure this out like adults.”

“You seriously expect me to believe you’re only twenty-two? You’re wise beyond your years.” Kelley laughs. “No, but seriously. You’re such a good person, Lauren. Way better than me.”

“You can’t beat yourself up over this forever,” Lauren points out. “You’re not a bad person, Kelley. You made a mistake. Anyone could’ve done the same thing. But you’re working to reverse the effects of that mistake, and that’s what matters.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” she says, but Lauren can tell it’s just an attempt to placate her rather than something she believes. She knows it will take Kelley a lot longer to forgive herself than it’s taken Lauren to forgive her, but Lauren wants to help in any way she can.

“I forgive you, Kelley,” Lauren says. She hears sniffling on the other line but chooses not to comment on it. She wants Kelley to have a moment of peace. She finally settles on wearing a pair of black jeans and a baby blue crop top, tugging the jeans off the hanger. 

“I, um… I think the end of this month is the best time for me, work wise.” Kelley sniffles once more and changes the subject. “I can clear everything for the 19th ‘till the 1st? That way I’d be in town for the premiere and the second episode. Obviously I’ll have to book flights, but they should be cheap this time of year…”

Kelley keeps talking but Lauren tunes out, instead thinking about all the places she wants to take Kelley, all the people she wants her to meet, all the ways she wants to touch her-

“Laur? Are you listening to me?”

“What? Sorry,” she says. “What were you saying?”

“I was asking if there are any decent hotels near you,” Kelley repeats.

“Hotels? Why?”

“So I can stay in one…?” Kelley says and suddenly Lauren feels like an idiot.

“Oh, I thought…” she trails off, embarrassed at her own assumptions.

“You thought what?” Kelley presses.

“I thought you could just stay with me.” Lauren busies herself by getting dressed, in an attempt to stave off her mortification. 

“I didn’t know if you’d want that,” Kelley answers simply. It’s something Lauren loves about the older woman: there’s no bullshit. Kelley will always tell it like it is, keeping Lauren from running circles around her issues like she normally does. “So I’ll just stay with you then?”

“Yes.” Lauren hopes her excitement isn’t terribly obvious, but her worries are put to rest when Kelley lets out a high-pitched squeal. It’s a foreign sound to Lauren but one she finds incredibly endearing. 

“Okay, oh my God, okay.” Kelley sounds like she doesn’t know what to do with herself, and Lauren loves it. She’s becoming more and more obsessed with vulnerable and flustered Kelley as the days go by. “I’ll book flights and tell you when I land so I can get an Uber to your place-”

“An Uber? Seriously, Kel?” Lauren rolls her eyes. “I’ll pick you up from the airport.”

“I didn’t know if you’d-”

“If I’d want that?” Lauren laughs. “You’re an idiot. I can’t wait to see you. I’ve got to get to class, but I’ll talk to you soon?”

“Okay, yeah, sorry for keeping you,” Kelley says. “Bye, Lauren.”

Lauren’s smile is practically splitting her face open. “Bye, Kelley.”

***

When Lauren thought about what Kelley would be like in real life, outside of the game, she pictured someone equally as quiet and calculated as the woman she met in Fiji. 

She was not at all prepared for the reality, in which Kelley is clingy. 

_ Very  _ clingy. 

Kelley texts Lauren regularly throughout the day, and without scheduling it, they end up FaceTiming every night, sometimes staying up until the wee hours of the morning. Kelley is always awake before her, and Lauren comes to look forward to the blonde’s daily “good morning selfie,” featuring her cup of coffee and her slice of avocado toast. 

The day before Kelley’s flight to Waco, Lauren gets an email from UCLA admissions. A few of her friends got rejection emails weeks ago, so she’s pretty sure it’s good news, but she decides to wait until she’s with Kelley to open it. If she gets in, Lauren wants to bring up the whole moving to L.A. concept, which they haven’t discussed since final five in Fiji.

Lauren skips her afternoon class to pick Kelley up from the airport. She tried to convince Kelley to book a cheaper flight into Dallas and let Lauren make the two-hour drive to pick her up, but the blonde wouldn’t budge and insisted on a connecting flight. Even though Kelley gave her a lecture for missing class to come get her, Lauren could not be more excited.

So excited that she spends twenty dollars on airport parking so that she can meet Kelley inside. She gets a text from Kelley informing her that they’ve just landed and that she’ll meet her in the pickup lot. Lauren parks in the multi-story garage and rushes to get inside, hoping she beats Kelley to the punch and can surprise her. She heads to the barrier in front of baggage claim and waits impatiently among the masses of people waiting for their loved ones. 

About five minutes pass before people begin to file through the double doors, and Lauren feels her chest seize up when she spots the same platinum blond hair she watched flap in the wind on the first day of the game, when the boat of returning players pulled up. 

Lauren shoulders through the crowd that has collected around her, moving to an empty space off to the side and smiling ear to ear when the blonde comes into full view. 

“Kelley!” she shouts and the older woman’s head turns, breaking into a huge smile when their eyes meet. Kelley jogs to close the gap between them and throws her arms around Lauren, crushing her in a hug. 

Lauren relishes in the contact for a few seconds before pulling back and immediately connecting their lips in a fierce kiss that sucks the air out of her lungs. Kelley’s arms are wrapped tightly around Lauren’s neck while Lauren settles her hands on Kelley’s waist, resisting the urge to move them. 

“Hi,” Kelley whispers once they break apart. “I was gonna meet you outside.”

“I wanted the cliché airport moment,” Lauren replies with a shrug. “You ready to go? You’ve had a long day.” Kelley nods and they set out for the parking garage, Kelley filling Lauren in on the turbulent fifty-minute flight from Dallas on the way. Lauren grabs Kelley’s hand as they pass through a crowd in front of Starbucks and after they’re through it, she realizes that she doesn't want to let go.

So she doesn’t, until they get to Lauren’s car and are forced to separate. 

(At which point it takes Lauren three seconds to reach for Kelley’s hand across the center console.  _ Then  _ she doesn’t let go.)

They decide to order in because Kelley is clearly tired, despite insisting that she’s fine and wants to go out and explore. Lauren manages to convince her to stay put on the pretense that they’re going to a premiere party the next night, thrown together by a group of Lauren’s friends who insisted that Kelley come when they heard she’d be in town.

“It’s not a huge thing, just some friends from school and whoever else they’ve invited,” Lauren explains as she empties the bag of Chinese takeout. “We don’t have to stay long if you don’t want to. We can just watch the episode and then leave.”

“Yeah, that sounds like fun,” Kelley says absently, curled up on one end of Lauren’s couch. 

Lauren notices Kelley’s withdrawal from the conversation the moment it happens, so she turns to face the blonde and scoots towards her. 

“You don’t wanna go?”

Kelley’s gaze slowly lifts from the thread she’s picking at to meet Lauren’s eyes. “I never said that.”

“Yeah, but you sound less than enthusiastic about it,” Lauren replies. “We don’t have to go. We can just stay in and watch it here.” Kelley doesn’t respond, and Lauren starts to think that maybe it’s not about the party at all.

Then she’s cursing herself for being so stupid. 

“Kelley.” Lauren reaches out to hold Kelley’s hand, tracing her thumb over the calloused skin of her palm. “You’re worried about the episode?” Lauren wishes she’d figured it out sooner, because Kelley immediately has tears in her eyes, so she knows it’s been on Kelley’s mind for a while.

“I’m just… I can’t stop thinking about what you said, about how they’ll edit the whole season now, because of what I did,” Kelley confesses. “What if they make me the villain? They could take everything completely out of context. Who knows what kind of flippant remarks they’ll turn into ammunition?”

“At the end of the day, the edit is the story of how the winner came to be,” Lauren says, lacing their fingers together. “If you won, then there’s no way they’d edit you like the villain, because then who would want you to win?”

“And if I didn’t?” Kelley asks.

“Then they might,” Lauren says honestly. “But come on, Kel.”  _ There’s no way you didn’t win.  _ In Lauren’s mind, there’s no doubt about it. Kelley played a superior game to her and Gavin, no matter what she said at Final Tribal Council. “Either way, it’s not worth worrying about, because we have to watch it. If you’d rather stay here, though, we can.”

“No, you’re right,” Kelley says. “I made my bed, now I have to lie in it. We should go. But I will be getting wasted before it starts.” 

Lauren just laughs and scoots into Kelley’s side, snaking an arm around her to pull the blonde into her lap. 

“Hey, I got an admissions decision email from UCLA,” she says into Kelley’s neck. 

“And?” Kelley squirms in Lauren’s arms to face the taller woman. “What did it say?”

“I haven’t opened it,” Lauren confesses, feeling shy about it now. “I, uh… I wanted to wait for you.”

“You want to open it with me?” Kelley practically gasps. “But why?”

“Well, with everything you said on the raft at final five, I thought…” Lauren trails off, stomach sinking.  _ I made the wrong choice.  _ “I don’t know what I thought.” Lauren stiffens under Kelley’s gaze, sky blue eyes probing for information. 

“Talk to me, Laur,” Kelley presses. “What are you trying to say?”

Lauren’s heart is racing. She knows that this moment will be crucial in setting the tone for how she and Kelley proceed with their relationship. If she tells the truth about wanting them both to be in L.A, Kelley might reject her and Lauren would be even more heartbroken than she was after filming. But if she lies, brushes it off, Kelley might take that as a sign that Lauren isn’t ready for more. 

“Hey,” Kelley says as she taps against Lauren’s muscular thigh to get her attention. “Why don’t you read the email first, and we can talk about it after? Hmm?” Kelley’s fingers are tracing Lauren’s jaw and cheekbones, and Lauren feels herself getting lost in the faint touches. 

Lauren finally snaps out of her anxious trance, shifting to pull her phone out of her pocket and sifting through emails until she finds the subject line she’s been staring down for days. Her thumb hovers over the screen long enough to make Kelley huff before the blonde reaches for the phone. 

“Can I?” Kelley asks and Lauren just nods. She can’t open it herself, and there’s no one she trusts more than Kelley to be the receiver of news like this. 

_ Oh, God,  _ Lauren thinks. _ I trust Kelley more than anyone. _

Two pairs of eyes are glued to the screen as Kelley finally opens the email, which buffers for a few moments before the display erupts in confetti. 

_ Congratulations, Lauren! You have been admitted to the UCLA Dentistry Class of 2024! _

Lauren immediately bursts into tears, body racking with sobs that let out months of anxiety along with salty tears. Kelley turns around to straddle Lauren’s hips, wrapping both arms around the younger woman’s torso and hugging her tightly. 

“I’m so proud of you, Laur,” Kelley whispers into Lauren’s ear as she plays with dark brown hair, over and over again until Lauren catches her breath. Kelley keeps one hand in Lauren’s hair and the other on the small of her back, eventually starting to leave soft kisses along Lauren’s neck. 

“Wanna talk?” Kelley asks after a while. 

Lauren shifts below her, moving so that she can look directly into Kelley’s eyes. 

“Don’t say anything until I’m done,” Lauren says after sucking in a deep breath. Kelley nods in understanding and suddenly Lauren feels like she’s choking, suffocating on all the words she’s been dying to say for so long.

“It’s okay,” Kelley urges softly. Kelley is staring at her and Lauren has never felt so  _ seen _ , so understood and so connected to a person. 

“I have never been the type to trust someone fully and wholeheartedly in a short amount of time,” Lauren begins, “and maybe  _ Survivor  _ wasn’t the best facet for that kind of evolution to take place, I shouldn’t have trusted you as much as I did. But Kelley… I never just trusted you as a friend and fellow strong woman. There has always been more.” 

Kelley face remains expressionless, just listening and taking everything in, save for piercing blue eyes watering with what looks like adoration. 

“When I passed out and you told me how scared you were, when you told me you believed in me during that awful diving challenge, I felt seen and understood and cared for in a way that no one in my regular life has. Except, like, my family. The moment we hit the beach and you told me you played high school soccer, I was sure I wanted to play with you, but I was even more sure about wanting you in my life in a way that would last.” Lauren feels the emotions bubbling inside her, pushing higher and higher like magma just waiting to erupt. It’s Kelley’s hand squeezing hers that grounds her. 

“But, God… I was so scared, Kel. I was terrified of what people would think, of getting caught, of falling so hard and so fast for someone who was going to forget all about me after day thirty-nine.”

“Lauren, I-”

“You promised to let me finish,” Lauren says sternly, but the smile growing on her lips suggests otherwise. Kelley just nods, a small smirk budding on her own face. 

“I didn’t want to tell you how I really felt while we were out there. I knew you’d never use it against me, but it was all so new and uncharted and overwhelming. I tried so hard, especially later on, to separate you from my game. So when you made it personal in the end, after everything we had been through… it crushed me. Every part of me was hurting and aching, playing your words over and over again like the most painful broken record of all time.

“But what hurt even more than the words was losing you. I lost a best friend, a partner in crime, a therapist, a headrest, a cheerleader.” Lauren pauses to take a deep breath. “A lover.” Tears flow freely down Lauren’s cheeks, while Kelley diligently wipes them away as they fall. “I played those voicemails constantly. I could probably recite them from memory, to be honest. Aubry thought there was something seriously wrong with me, I’m sure.”

Kelley’s face twists in surprise.  _ She must not know I talked to Aubry. _ Despite her confusion, she stays quiet.

“This is getting long-winded,” Lauren says with a laugh and a sniffle. “The point of me saying all of this is… Not having you in my life hurts a million times more than what you said. So in an ideal world, I would enroll at UCLA, you would take a marketing job out there too, and we’d shack up together and go to cast parties and get more dogs and love each other. All I want to do is love you, Kelley Wentworth.”

“All I wanna do is love you, Lauren O’Connell,” Kelley says immediately. “Let’s move to L.A.” 

Lauren smiles what must be the biggest smile of her life, with Kelley in her lap making life plans. 

“Let’s do it.”

***

Lauren’s hand rests comfortably in Kelley’s for the majority of the finale screening, except when they’re forced to break apart for interviews, photos and trips to the open bar.

Lauren looks on as the blonde schmoozes a pair of middle-aged men who are a little too liberal with their hand placements. But Kelley just smiles her best and most charming smile, before eventually shaking their hands and sauntering back to the wall where Lauren leans. 

“Hi,” Kelley says with a giggle, leaning closer to Lauren’s face but not close enough for their lips to meet.

“Don’t be a tease.” Lauren shakes her head. “Come on, we’ve gotta get out there.”

“I’m scared,” Kelley says, eyes glassy with either tears or inebriation. 

(Maybe both.  _ Definitely  _ both.)

“I know, but you shouldn’t be,” Lauren says as she takes both of Kelley’s hands in hers. “If Jeff asks, you know what to say. Now come on, let’s find out who’s gonna be a million dollars richer.”

Lauren drags a reluctant Kelley to the stage door, only dropping her hand once the live audience is in view. 

They take their seats on the other side of the jury, Kelley in the middle with Gavin on her right and Lauren on her left. Moments later, Jeff appears with the votes, gives his spiel, and begins reading. 

The three of them hold hands, as is customary, but Kelley’s grip on Lauren gets tighter and tighter every time their votes climb. 

Tied up at four, votes for Kelley start to pull away.

“The winner of Survivor: Edge of Extinction,” Jeff says, “Kelley.” 

Lauren smiles, stands up, and gives her girlfriend the biggest hug.

(She’s spilling over with pride watching Kelley hug Gavin and run down to her family, where Dale and her mom and sister await.)

When the dust settles, and they’ve sat back down for the reunion, of course it’s Jeff’s first question. 

“So, Kelley, you got a  _ lot  _ of hate for your performance at Final Tribal Council, but you still came away with the money and the title,” Jeff says. “Any regrets about that Tribal?”

“Yes, many regrets,” Kelley replies. “Clearly, I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. Lauren and I had a good thing and I tried to sabotage that for myself.” Kelley pauses to glance at Lauren, and the soccer player swears she’s never seen Kelley look at her with so much love in her eyes. “Fortunately, it didn’t work.”

“So, can you guys dispel the rumors, then?” Jeff asks. “Lauren, are you and Kelley just friends or is there something more going on here? Because that was really the question of the season. So many people were asking me if you guys were a couple, and I don’t even know the answer.”

Lauren laughs a little as she feels Kelley’s hand slip into her own. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love Kelley. She’s my soulmate, that’s the best way to describe it.” 

“But- But are you dating? Are you an item?” Jeff presses. 

“Yes, yes,” Kelley says while laughing. “We’re dating. I couldn’t be happier.”

“And how did that happen?” Kelley opens her mouth to answer, but Lauren beats her to it. 

“Voicemails. A lot of voicemails.”

  
  



End file.
